Nobody Likes Social Media Police
Social media police are everywhere. No, I do not mean the literal Facebook cops who will put you in Facebook jail for 30 days if you are reported to have violated their terms. Rather, when I talk about social media police, I am talking about those people who always seem to be hovering, waiting for anyone to post about their pet topic and preparing to unload on any opinion that deviates from their own. I guarantee that while you were reading this description, some of your social media friends came to mind. We all know them. Maybe you are proudly one of them. You might get a great deal of joy out of combating ignorance and grinding people into dust for publicly expressing a belief that is different than your own.
I will admit that a few years ago, I was much more likely to join the social media police, publicly attacking pro-choice arguments I found particularly unsatisfactory. I felt a certain satisfaction; I was boldly fighting for truth, and even if the person I was calling out didn’t appreciate it, I always thought I had at least presented an alternative. Yes, that pro-choice article will still exist on that person’s wall, but at least anybody else who happened to see it would see my comment below it. It was not usually about the person I directly responded to. If someone was convicted enough to post about such a hot button issue on social media, they were probably not going to change their mind based on anything I said. I knew I would not persuade them but maybe one of the silent people in the audience who was witnessing what I thought was a discussion would be impacted.
However, as I think about it now, especially in our incredibly charged social media climate, I have to wonder if my approach actually did any good. I realized I would not even effectively reach myself. I very rarely look into the comments section. I assumed other people went looking into the comments section to see my brilliance, but I honestly couldn’t care less about most of what I find in other people’s comments.
Why should I think anyone cares what I think in social media comments any more than I care about most other comments?
Pride.
I am more convinced than ever that pride is the chief vice driving our uncivil social media policing.
Do I really believe that my social media policing, hunting down everyone with any position I do not agree with, is actually going to change minds? Realistically, if I humble myself, I should realize that most people treat me like I treat them. They are not sitting at their computers waiting for me to impart wisdom on a Facebook comment thread. It is my pride talking if I think more of myself in my role as social media police.
Am I suggesting that we pull off of social media altogether?
If you can’t restrain yourself from constantly antagonizing people who you disagree with, I fear that you may need to review the classic definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. A little bit of time away from social media might not hurt you.
However, I do not think most people need to necessarily avoid social media altogether. I don’t even think we necessarily need to avoid controversial topics (although I have made the decision to try and do that personally, most of the time). I do have a few things I try to practice to avoid being the social media police, creating conflicts I have no ability to or no intention to solve.
1. Share Your Opinion on Your Own Wall
I am all for people posting things they find interesting. You probably are reading this article after I posted it on one of my social media accounts. Like I said, I do not think most people need to withdraw from social media all the time. I hope you don't think I am such an obvious hypocrite this early in the post.
I also do not find it necessarily prideful to post your own accomplishments on social media (although pride is something to take into account with all social media activity). These accounts are windows into our personal lives, so, to whatever extent you want to allow people into your life, sharing is perfectly fine. Just to be clear, I’m not saying that anyone who ever posts on social media has pride problems.
I respond to comments people post on my wall unless I have explicitly said I am not going to. If people have taken the time to respond to me, I try to respond in some way. I know I said above that I do not go searching in other people’s comments threads to find all of the answers to life’s questions. However, I do take comments people leave on my wall seriously. If people want to have a conversation with me, they can come to my page. It is not me pridefully stepping into their conversations to crush them. I think that is a fundamental difference.
For those of you who have large platforms, people like to hear what you say, so post on your own wall. I read plenty of things my friends have shared even if I don’t follow the comments after the initial post. I read the post from the person I care about and ignore the frequent carnage in the comments section.
If you have something important to say and feel a conviction to say it, then, by all means, go for it. I’m not here to tell you to deny your conscience. Your wall, you can say what you want.
Social media police, you can stop being the social media police by just staying off of other people’s walls. Make your argument on your own wall, and if people want to see it, they will come to you.
2. Take Disagreements Private
I have been an advocate for this for a long time. For some of you, it really might bother you when someone posts something you disagree with. You might not believe someone said something so ignorant, and, again, your conscience will not let you ignore it. I am not suggesting you deny your closely held convictions. No one should ever force to anyone else to violate his or her conscience.
However, I am suggesting these conversations are often times, at least in my experience, much more productive when they are done privately. This is again a pride issue on some level, but let’s say that I am known in public as the anti-Martin Van Buren guy. For whatever reason, I cannot stand him, and I have posted many things on my own Facebook wall. I know I have that reputation because I have worked on cultivating that reputation. There is a level of purity to my public position. Again, here comes my pride. I have been trying to get people to view me as anti-Van Buren, and I am proud of that persona.
What are the odds of me saying something pro-Van Buren in public? It is practically impossible because of, again, my pride.
In a trusted, private conversation, are my chances better of admitting the pro-Van Buren position has some merit? I would say almost certainly. If I am anti-Van Buren, it is not like I am all of a sudden going to change my position for the sake of agreement. That’s not the point. At the end of the day, people are still going to disagree, and that’s normal. I’m not suggesting by talking in private we will all become some kind of monolithic ideological bloc.
Talking in private can certainly still find us confronting our own pride, but I think the possibility of admitting maybe we were wrong or at least admitting we understand the other position has some rationality is far greater behind closed doors.
As a brief aside, make sure these conversations are trusted. Not everyone will have good motives for having private conversations, and it could be painful if you find yourself betrayed by someone you trusted. You already know this, but reminders never hurt.
Social media police, if you are being driven by pride as I have hypothesized that you are, this is going to be a tough one for you because you do not get the rush of satisfaction you would otherwise get for proving your amazing intellect in front of an audience. Pride thrives with an audience. Like I said, if you still cannot just ignore what someone else says, and I think there are times that people do need to be confronted and corrected, I would recommend doing it privately. It will be more effective.
3. Take a Deep Breath Before Posting
One of the best and worst things about social media is that things happen so fast. This can be very useful when you need answers right away. This can be problematic when words start flying. Before social media or even the telephone, I would have received a letter, and someone could have told me I am a terrible person. I might write back to that person very quickly, in a rage. By the time my letter returns to that person, a week or more has gone by. The person who insulted me may not remember exactly what was said, word for word, and emotions tend to cool off after a little time has gone by. More time passes between every installment in this argument, and time is therapeutic.
I don’t want to overly romanticize letter writing or suggest conflicts never happen over time. Obviously, it did not work out well for Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr (sir). Time does not heal every pain, and things are said that are impossible to take back. I get that. However, taking a short break, taking a breath, and not allowing the heat of the moment to dictate our responses might not be a bad idea.
Social media police, you often times outlast your opponents because, like me, many people don’t have the endurance to fight with you forever. We internally say you can have the last word and let it die. I know you thrive on this. However, to prevent destroying relationships, maybe take a deep breath first. It will be beneficial.
4. Invest in Relationships
I have yet to meet anyone who has been convinced to change a deeply held belief by a social media debate. I have known a lot of people who have changed their beliefs based on conversations with friends. I know social media pretends to be and promotes itself as a substitute for authentic friendships. As I have previously written, I think that is terribly mistaken.
Relationships can change minds and hearts. If you show up on someone’s Facebook wall unsolicited just to publicly slam them, there is no way you are going to change their mind. In fact, all you are doing is giving them ammunition. “If all people who believe this certain thing are like that, I don’t want anything to do with them.”
Gentle persuasion, or even more aggressive persuasion, is more effective when it comes from someone you care about and who you know cares about you. Just as a little thought exercise, do you care more about what your best friend thinks about you or what that random “friend” from high school who you never actually talk to thinks about you? The answer should be obvious. We ought to care more about those who are closest to us.
If that is true, then if you want to change someone’s mind, maybe you ought to show people you actually care about them and want what is best for them. Get closer. That’s hard work. That’s not just showing up to correct all of the wrong all the time. This means learning about their lives, investing time, and actually demonstrating they are more than an opponent for you to champion.
Social media police, I know you often times have good intentions for what you do, and you want to change people’s minds to the truth. I imagine you probably agree with this point, but you would argue that a Facebook friendship is enough of a relationship to justify giving someone a piece of your mind. I would suggest a deeper relationship will give you better results for the world changing you seem to want to do.
Conclusion
I am sure, like I said above, as you read through this article, you were thinking about someone you know. We all have those friends on Facebook. However, I hope this has also been a reflective exercise for you. I started thinking about these things after I was engaged in social media policing. People were just not convinced by the arguments I was laying out even though I believe they were reasonable and thoughtful. My engagement in this tactic was not driven by the wonderful results I was getting; it was driven by my pride and desire to prove my own brilliance in a format where no one was actually listening anyway.
If you follow the suggestions I outlined above, few are going to see what you do. The only people who will know about the conversations you have and the content of those conversations are going to be the people you have them with. You are not going to be famous, and you will not have the “satisfaction” of believing hundreds of people are going to see the epic response you posted and then miraculously morph into clones of you.
Rather, you are going to have to do the hard work of relationship building. It is going to take time. You may never convert people to your position even though you have done your best and put forward a good deal of sincere effort. You have to accept that. Sometimes it will feel like a great deal of time wasted.
However, to that charge I would like to conclude with this. Building a relationship with another person is never a waste of time. As a Christian, I believe all people are created in the image of God. Therefore, all people are intrinsically valuable, no matter what. If that is true, then every single person in this world is worth my time and worth your time. Again, as a Christian, I am called to love my neighbor, not just my neighbor who agrees with me. Part of loving my neighbor is telling them the truth, even if they disagree with it. Again, I fully acknowledge that ideological differences will always exist, and I think it is detrimental to put on some kind of false front of conformity. However, even if my neighbor rejects the truth, that does not absolve me of the responsibility to still continue loving that person. While loving someone often times involves correction, loving someone very rarely, if ever, looks like demolishing someone publicly on social media. They are not an academic project I need to complete; they are human beings I need to love. Being a social media police officer and absolutely shredding them every time they post something I disagree with on social media is never going to do that.
You may wonder why I have developed a newsletter. This is part of the reason. If you disagree with something I have written, you have the ability to reply to my email, and we can talk about it. I think it is a healthier way to have discussions. Sign up below.